easy rider

by Dan

Ruby was barely listening to Alan, Her agent, who was ranting away, something to do with her rider.

“If that fat fuck thinks he can get away with this shite again he’s got another think coming!”

Her mother wasn’t well, she hadn’t seen her boyfriend in weeks. Endless touring. Just do what you’re told.

“Just water and something veggie is all I want” She said amicably.

“it’s not about what you fuckin want darling” screamed Alan, “It’s about showing those bastards they can’t fucking insult us anymore!”

A week later Lauren, artist liaison at the XL Arena, looked at the rider in despair. Her boss was away for the weekend and had told her to sort it.

“Ms Scarlett requires 12 beanbags to recline upon, these will be made from environmentally friendly silk, flown from Venezuela.”

“What a monster” thought Lauren as she set up the dressing-room.

“10 pinatas shall be suspended just above her head height (5 Foot exactly). These will be filled with peaches, good standard cocaine and miniatures of quality vodka. A staff member will stand nearby carrying a large pin should Ms Scarlett require assistance.”

Lauren had tried but every time she tried to suspend the pinatas they came undone and their contents crashed to the floor. She sat amongst peaches, smashed bottles and powder.

“Two accordion players will attend, they will play the Lambada upon instruction.”

Lauren started to cry, she’d never even seen Ruby Fucking Scarlett, couldn’t pick her out of a line. Now she never wanted to. She wished she’d never applied for this “Glamorous” job. She was toast because a pint-sized prima-donna with an out of control ego couldn’t go two minutes without snorting coke!

Or eating peaches!

Where was the fucking assistant she’d been promised? She hurled a peach across the room.

Just then Ruby entered, she’d escaped her entourage and was looking for somewhere with a phone signal. She was wearing ordinary clothes with her hair scraped back. She picked some peach from her cheek and saw Lauren sitting on the floor in tears.

“There you are” said Lauren. “They could have found me someone taller! Here help me fix this mess.” Before Ruby could answer Lauren stuffed cable-ties and a tape-measure into her hand and pointed to a stepladder.

When no one could find Ruby, Alan called the media. Ruby Scarlett had disappeared! A scrum engulfed the building.

At 7, after 4 hours of intense hard work Lauren and Ruby had the room done up to the exact specifications in the rider. They’ed enjoyed each other’s company. They hugged awkwardly as they parted.

Ruby was plunged straight into the maelstrom, Alan had told the world she’d been kidnapped by terrorists. Her costumes were taken stage-side and after her show (oerformed “despite her harrowing ordeal”) she went straight back to her hotel without seeing her dressing room.

Lauren, left immediately after positioning what she considered to be a gratifyingly ugly effigy of Ms Ruby Scarlett which had been made by local schoolchildren (another rider stipulation). She’d worked for 30 hours straight.

Now, whenever Artist-liaison staff compare diva-like riders, Lauren holds back her “Ruby Fucking Scarlett” story to trump them all, “if it wasn’t for that assistant my career would have ended then!” she said, she regretted that she’d not seen the girl since to thank her.

And Ruby herself has managed to complete her pop career without ever trying cocaine,

Or peaches.