The Terrible Twins

by Dan

Bob. Said Dean. You know them twins?

What twins? I replied .

Them gymnastics ones? .....

In the Olympics....

Oh yes the gadirova. Twi....

Dean placed his cupped hands over my mouth.

He seemed to be terrified

Sush they'll hear he whispered hoarsely.

Pass the monkey wrench he added matter of factly.

Then, when we were huddled over the bonnet he started to cry.

I can't leave the house he declared if I do they'll be at me, flik flacking like something out the matrix.

Down me garden path. Triple somersault, handstand, cosh.

One of em stands by with a sawn off.

The other addresses me in a deep hoarse voice. She ain't mucking about.

"Buy us a Chinese Dean. Go on Dean you want your fambly to be safe don't you."

I wouldn't mind but them gymnasts can't half put it away.

And they invite all their mates.

Max Whitlock had a whole crispy duck last time.

And now they've starting inviting people from other sports.

Them BMX kids come in last night and that 13 year old skateboarder..

Thanks girls but how can you afford it they ask!

Don't worry Dean's paying.

Then in a threatening tone .

Ain't you Dean?

There's nothing I can do. They're eating me out of house and home.

And now, I gotta tell you mate they want a cut of the business too, like a protection racket. Be a good boy now, and don't cross us! The last mechanic that did is now a pommel horse.

The Mrs thinks I'm having an affair, said Dean. Before stomping off to the toilet to read the sun.

I told professor Sternberg about it in the boozer that evening.

Ahhh he said a classic case of Olympiacos toomuchwatcheus.

He needs to be diagnosed.

And that was it really.

How I came to own the business.

They took Dean away a week later, blubbering like a fish he was.

It was for his own protection, it can be that people with Olympiacos toomuchwatcheus are prone to injure themselves with archery arrows or javelins apparently.

I've moved into his house too, with his Mrs.

She says, kids now bobs yer uncle like.hurr hurt hurr

So all in all its ended pretty sweetly for me.

Today I'm under the bonnet of a beamer, nice little earner, me assistant Terry's gone to make the tea.

Radio twos playing some russian type waltz for some reason.

Then the music cuts and all I can hear his the crackle of sequinned leotard.

Then I sees for bare feet on the forecourt just in front of me.

I can hear a deep hoarse whisper.

Hullo Bob, we're the Gadirova twins, you've probably heard of us, if you play nice with us we'll leave you alone, if you don't we could be your worst nightmare. Hey sis, do you fancy a Chinese tonight? Just you me and the entire Slovakian hockey team.

Bob here's paying.

Ain't you Bob?