Eric, a was a self-made builder and nosy neighbour, Phil’s heart sank when he saw him and Lorraine his XL, over-made up wife approaching on that bank holiday morning.

No one was supposed to know she was here. Eric had probably been craning out of the window to see their car returning.

Phil hadn’t even been shopping, he hurriedly put a box of dairy lea on the table and went to get her.

She was in the garden sitting on a plastic slide, rocking inermittently and emitting self-pitying sobs. “Five minutes and they’ll be gone I promise, we’ve got to keep up appearances.” He whispered.

Eric rejected the dairy lea with a meaty palm.

“No ta, I’ve just had a full English! Breakfast means breakfast in our household! HehHeh! ”

Phil saw her wince.

“Heyaar love, catch these, present for you!”

Eric tossed a bunch of flowers at her, which she dropped with her usual lack of co-ordination.

“Thought you were a safe pair of hands love! HehHeh!” Said Eric as Phil bent down to pick them up.

She visibly crumpled.

“Ignore him love he’s only playing aren’t you Eric?” said Lorraine.

Eric wasn’t listening, he was now examining the supporting wall on their extension with disgust.

“Blimey who did this for yer? Lee Van Cleef?” he asked

He prodded the wall. A large piece of plaster came away.

“Strong and stable my arse!!!” He declared. “HehHeh!”

This was the final straw, she slipped sadly to the floor and groaned miserably.

Phil was non-confrontational. He knew action was called for but he didn’t know how.

Luckily Lorraine stepped in.

“Eric stop being mischevy-ous!

Eeeyar love, I reckon anyone d be under the weather after t’week you’ve had, I’ll put you up to bed shall I?”

And with the practised no nonsense approach learned of a staff nurse at Leeds General she scooped the stick-thin woman up and carried her upstairs

Soon Lorraine was chattering bedside with a magically produced slice of parkin in one hand and a cuppa in the other. The colour returning to her patient’s cheeks.

“Don’t worry dearie! Same thing happened to once. 1967 to be exact. I were Miss Skeggy at Butlin’s see. Eee I loved it. I had a sash, everything. Trouble was it all ended when they found out I was sleeping with t’judge……

Eric!

Hounded out we were. They took me crown back in full view of t’other girls!

I’ve never been so ashamed!

But looking back now it were best thing that ever happened.

Right now it feels like you are losing your power but if you look on t’brightside it always leads to something better!

Now Treesa love, you’ve got yer feller, yer walkin, you’re not not short of a bob or two, you’ve got yer ….. dancing! And you should be looking forward to the prime of life without all that nonsense! So stick some slap on, get down them stairs and get on with it!!!!”

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That evening for the first time in years Theresa felt happy, she held Phil’s hand and they watched a documentary about the Pennine Way.

They had made a pact, Phil would get extension fixed once and for all and she would finally stop looking for ways to revive the withdrawal agreement.