Apologies for late publication. If new arrivals are confused by what follows they may find explanation on the website under my name titled “Pirates”. created by our benevolent ruler.

Bradleigh Salterton, Dandy, Buccaneer and Skipper of The Seahorse was between parrots again. He’d sworn off these Avian imposters whose disloyalty and inability to imitate his favourite tv presenters always ended in tears.

At pirate gatherings he’d to put up with Blackbeard boasting about two psittacine companions who recited romantic poetry. “A right parrakeets” he called them, whilst Fakebeard the female pirate, often mentioned enjoying a Cockatoo in her cabin.

This week however parrots weren’t mentioned because all spyglasses had turned to the subject of the forthcoming Pirate World Cup. Apparently Eggbeard had spent a whole treasure chest modernising his training camp with “state of the Arrrr improvements”. Salterton who was on his 6th flagon of rum, boasted that his players would win easily.

His bravado wavered when he returned to his ship and examined his troops which comprised a tiny cabin boy, 5 players without their right legs and 5 whose left pegs were non-apparent. Their manager Blind Pew thought tactics were mints in a see-through box.

Salterton retired to his cabin to cry.

But whilst there he heard a voice familiar from Commentary on Squawksport. On looking through his porthole he spied on the shore, an irascible parrot with a broad Scottish accent giving a team of Kakapos the featherdryer treatment. It was unmistakeably legendary manager-turned-pundit Ally Macaw working his way back up from the bottom.

Within moments and at the cost of many dubloons Macaw had been installed as manager. The only advice Salterton gave was to avoid training on a Tuesday evening when the crew were glued to “Four in a Hammock” an entertaining show where pirates passive-aggressively searched for hairs in each other’s bunks.

The new manager quickly installed a new regime with grog and old Jamaica chocolate banned. His revolutionary new diamond formation disappointingly to the crew, did not refer to the sort you find in treasure chests. If any player stepped out-of-line they were swiftly dispatched to walk the plank and replaced by skilful ringers with hastily disguised pirate names such as Long David Silva and Deckhand Rice.

The tournament started and the Seahorses were a revelation, vanquishing Bluebeard’s motley crew 5-0, Yellowbeard’s desperados 8-0 and even Eggbeard’s Cress Army 3-1. However a narrow squeak in the semis which they won on penalties enraged Ally Macaw and on the night before Wednesday’s final he called an emergency training session.

A mutiny ensued.

It’s not known which of the team ran the foul-beaked gaffer through with a cutlass but The crew were relieved to be able to watch their favourite programme in peace and get their hands on the locked victuals.

Salterton himself took over as coach but didn’t really understand football and spent the morning designing a new kit for his brave buccaneers with billowing sleeves and copious belts that made movement impossible.

The final was a one-sided affair as Fakebeard’s all-female crew cruised to victory against their hung-over and elaborately-attired opponents.

As Salterton watched his hated rivals celebrate with the cup, he vowed that he would never have a parrot onboard again as it always ended up like this! But also he knew deep down that all it might take was lack of inspiration on the part of his creator and he’d be right back in the same parrot infested boat again.