Pensioners Dissemble!

by Dan

Davie Greendale was an ordinary old man who had a special power. Due to a mix up at the opticians, whenever he donned his rose-tinted specs, he was transported to an idyllic past where youngsters respected their elders and betters and humorous words to describe non-white people were not considered to be hate crime. In this world Davie was extremely important!

He was not the only old person who seemed to have developed super powers. His best friend Ralph , who Davie often mistook for Michael Caine, had been given a new mobility scooter for Christmas and was now able to deliver a withering diatribe at anyone being socially irresponsible without that person feeling able to punch him in the face.

This was perfect for apprehending the many felons that he encountered such as litterers, queue-jumpers and traffic wardens.

The third member of their gang, Frank, who Davie called Sean Connery, also had a power. Since winning third prize in an Echo poetry competition he’d discovered himself to be able to write appalling verse whenever he wanted to highlight a local issue.

While some might consider this a pathetic superpower, incomparable to those possessed by his friends, Frank knew it was a vital tool in highlighting the shortcomings of the Council and had several polite replies from them that “took his concerns very seriously” to prove it.

He was hard at work on a new masterpiece when the others approached his golf club table.

“These plastic eyesores full of rubbish lie

On every pavement that assails mine eye!

Did Heroes land upon that day called “D”

These monstrous, ugly. Wheelie-bins to see?”

Frank had always been prepared to lay down his life for his country, …..providing that it wasn’t during Eggheads.

“Sean! Here’s your drink, I know how you like it “Shaken Not Stirred!” said Davie.

Ralph’s scooter arrived at the table.

“I call to order the first meeting of The League of Extraordinary Pensioners! Item one: Suspicious Looking Characters. I have just seen a young person loitering, he is carrying a large bag full of valuable golf clubs and he appears to be trying to start a rave in the carpark.”


Ryan Greendale had had to ferry Dad around since last month’s driving ban. He’d got the clubs from the boot but when he looked up, Dad had already gone. Possibly to the club room for a wee. He turned off the Neil Sedaka CD which the old man couldn’t hear, even at full volume, and slipped into a reverie about Hannah-in-marketing while he waited.

Suddenly, he felt a pain in his foot, he looked up to see his father had stamped on him whilst a second old man was attempting weakly to pin his arms behind his back, a third shouted at him from a mobility scooter.

“This is a citizen’s arrest! Do not attempt to resist! The police are on their way,”

“Oh Dad”, said Ryan sadly, realising that he would have to explain everything to that angry bird, WPC Potter, and therefore miss the start of Chelsea-Liverpool .