The Navy decided to clear up the high seas and to cull the extraordinary number of hirsute miscreants that could be found upon them. There was a massive pirate cull and those who escaped mostly became gentlemen of the road, or highwaymen.

They changed names of course so they couldn’t be traced, for example Blackbeard became known as “Bird’s Nest Ned”, Eggbeard was called “Smelly Jack Mayo” and Fakebeard, the female pirate was now known as “high-voiced Pete”.

Bradleigh Salterton was an exception, the couture conscious Captain of the Seahorse, was tired of the violence of piratical life and retired to the countryside with his new Parrot who liked to be known as “Giles Brandreth from The One Show and Countdown”. Despite having a posh voice, this parrot’s Trinidad upbringing meant it would burst forth into unwanted Calypso ditties at the drop of a tricorn.

Salterton led a less than glamorous existence. Due to inflation his treasure only afforded him a meagre subsistence and one by one his silken britches, pompadour wigs and ermine capes were taken to Cash Converter to keep the wolf from the door. At Christmas he dressed up as Santa and give out presents for spoilt children in the local market. His cheap red suit and fake white beard incurred the jeering of local Neanderthals outside the tavern.

“Once he was admired and feared

Now he wears a big white beard”

Sang Giles Brandreth mockingly.

When “High Voiced Pete” sent a furious missive on the subject of Bradleigh’s share of the child maintenance Salterton reluctantly consented to undertake a spot of robbery himself.

Despite his penury he fashioned a rudimentary highwayman’s outfit of mask, hat, and cloak from items he found in the cupboard and mounted his second-hand moth eaten steed . By nightfall he’d found a good spot on the London to York road.

“With a coat made out of his grandma’s curtain

You could not mistake him for Dick Turpin”

Crooned his parrot, who was accompanying him on the journey and was also dressed in full highwayman’s garb.

A few moments later a stagecoach came into view carrying some very glittery looking jewels.

Salterton galloped out in front of the coach and raised his pistols.

“Stand and deliver! Youre money or your life” he cried before catching sight off himself striking a very manly pose in the shine of the stagecoach varnish. Forgetting what he was doing he somehow caused his pistol to go off in his hand. This spooked his horse which threw him into a thick bush of nettles.

“Before this sorry tale began

I could tell you he was no highwayman”

Intoned his mischevious Macaw to no one in particular.

This was all the invitation The King’s Men, hiding aboard the stagecoach needed to rush up to the horse and arrest it’s only passenger.

The next day the gutter pamphlets were full of tales about the world’s first highwayparrot and things cooled down enough at sea for all the pirates to return to their dayjobs, Captain Salterton stopped by the gallows at Tyburn long enough to see his least favourite ever bird swing and swore never to try highway robbery again.