The stuff that dreams are made of.

by Dan

Flutes, harps and other heaven-type instruments are being played by a bevvy of attractive girl-angels.

St Peter (who resembles Hugh Hefner) is sitting on a golden throne in front of the Gates of Heaven with a gold chain round his neck, surrounded by his lovely be-winged musicians. Next to him on a black throne sits the Devil, who is smoking a cigar and has a Terry-Thomas Moustache.

An American man voices over in deep, manly tones :

“Only one beer can give you the courage to be strong.”

One of St Peter’s Angels is Keith’s school home economics teacher Miss Bray. He’d recognise her scent anywhere, wet dough and burnt cheese straw. He’s always fancied her.

With the devil is the Fenella Fielding from Carry on Screaming, she is tempting Keith like the harpy she is. “D’you mind if I smoke?” she says in her husky throaty voice, Keith feels himself weakening as she appears to catch fire.

St Peter, unconcerned, picks up a can of Kleinbrau Lager. He takes a refreshing sip. The foam forms an extra white layer upon his moustache. A smile covers his bronzed but wise face.

“Only one beer helps you keep cool when things get hot.”

St Peter hands the beer to Keith, who takes a deep swig. It is a lager like he has never tasted before, ice-cool clean, sharp, straight to the brain, it makes him feeling capable of anything.

“Only one beer makes a man out of a mouse.”

Fenella Fielding is imploring him, reaching out to him.

But, with a single Karate chop Keith vanquishes both Devil and vampish temptress. They fall screaming back down towards hell. Keith has proved that he is too early for both St Peter and the Devil.

St Peter rolls out the celestial down escalator while the lutes and flutes play Stairway to Heaven. He shows Keith his full array of sexy assistants, these also include Emma Peel, Daisy from The Dukes of Hazzard and Jessica Rabbit, and beckons for him to choose one. Keith points to one at the back clutching a small lute. His former university girlfriend Emily.

“Kleinbrau, A beer for men.”

With her on his arm he starts to descend.

Then suddenly he feels himself tripping off the escalator and falling, it’s his turn to scream! Emily is looking worriedly over the side but cannot save Keith.

He Lands on the grassy floor with a bump. His sheets are a mess of sweat mingled with wet dream. He is grasping his pillow firmly. He’s fallen off his campbed again.

Reluctantly he sits up and looked at his watch it was 5.19am on a summer morning in 1998. He just can’t sleep properly these days, he blames the early dawns and the birdsong and tries to banish the thoughts in his constantly fuzzy head. After a shower and a shit and a cup of tea he’ll feel much better. Be ready to set up the CAMRA bar at Dugglestone Steam Fair.

“Please only drink Kleinbrau in moderation” warns advert voice guy.

This reminds Keith that he still has a can of Theakston’s in his rucksack. The ring pull gives way with it’s usual satisfying “schwip” and he sucks the warm, brown, metallic liquid from it’s hole.