1976.ITV. Mike the Mountie rides his horse across the Canadian prairies. “When me and Shadow are oot on the range looking oot for trouble we always take a Mountie bar along. Hang on partner is that Yukon Jake I see? Just about to rob the confectionary shop! Stop you thief! the kids need their Mountie bars! ……” he says.

Mike lasso’s the felon, who is wearing a stripy jumper and mask, then leads him away towards the jailhouse behind his trusty steed.

“Here you are sheriff, nothing can stop the kids getting all that yummy goodness now. With Hazelnets, Marshmallow and real Canadian maple syrup!”

“You see with a Mountie bar, we always get our man. New Nestle’s Mountie Bar, 5p from all good confectioners!”

Colin was pretending to be ill so he didn’t have to go to school. He hadn’t tasted a Mountie bar yet but was intrigued by the exciting looking new confectionary. If he looked ill enough Mum would probably get him one.

Instead she told him he’d have square eyes if he watched any more television and that too much chocolate would make him fat.

1990.ITV

Gavin Percival, a handsome man in a blouson leather jacket is knocking on a flat door. He is carrying a bunch of flowers and a box of Marquess Du Bruges, “Midnight collection” from Rowntree. “A whole brazil nut, enrobed in a caramel heart, festooned with rich, intense dark Belgian chocolate with an aroma of finest Brazilian coffee.” Intones a suave voiceover.

The door opens and Rachel, a thin blonde of about thirty opens the door.

“Hello” she says looking at Gavin flirtatiously, “You cant seem to keep away.”

“I think you’ve forgotten these.” Says Gavin handing her the box of chocolates. The nation had been following their romance and sales had quadrupled.

Colin who was known to all his work colleagues as “Fat Colin with the square eyes” reached for the box and took out his 12th Marquess.

Then he had a wank over the advert’s star and trudged the full six yards to bed. He knew that Gavin was out of his league.

An hour ago. ITV

Colin bounds onto the set of Maya and Ryan’s Coffee Morning. His 60 yr old body in surprisingly good shape. Known for the series “From Chunk to Hunk” he is probably Britain’s most famous reformed-chocoholic-come-healthy-eating-guru. Out and proud, miserable years confined to his flat behind him and, astonishingly, living with the man of his dreams. He’s here to promote his best-selling book, “Boiling Point” billed as “a damning expose on the advertising industry”.

For balance they have an American marketeer who is also promoting “Reese’s all American salted caramel petals”. Colin finishes haranguing her with a monologue to camera. “What sort of world do we live in when young people are tricked into a life of obesity because you want to sell sugar?!” He roars to rapturous applause.

Now.

Colin is still in his dressing room, slumped on a sofa. He rereads the cruel text on his phone. Any hope that Gavin has not left him for a younger man has finally disappeared. His hand sadly reaches into the pile of salted caramel petals left on the table as samples.